For as long as I can remember I was fascinated by sex. My first memories of it were when my mum bought my eldest brother a book called “Let’s Talk About Sex” a book all about puberty, sexual health, feelings and everything in between. It had nice cartoon drawings to accompany the information and helpful “bird and bee” to explain things in simple terms for those that still didn’t quite get it. I think I was about 7 when this book was purchased. I used to sneak it into my room at night, I’d read it cover to cover. I tried to sneak it into school once but my mum caught me. I was that kid, the one that told everyone in the playground what sex was.
At the time I don’t think I had much interest in doing anything they talked about in the book. I read the bit about masturbation and tried it but didn’t feel much. I don’t know what it was that was so interesting to me, it just was. Other memories from when I was a little older were of watching Eurotrash, Queer as Folk and Sex and the City in my room when I should’ve been asleep. I also used to snoop around my older brothers rooms for porn magazines.
My favourite first sexual memory, I forget how old I was, was of a porn magazine I found in one of my brothers rooms. It was before I’d started masturbating regularly and I was way too young to have been reading it in the first place! I was looking at a readers wives story. There was this old woman (probably about 40 then but to me she just seemed so old) with wrinkly hairy bits. But the story was about her having a spontaneous threesome. And what was described was double penetration, one in her pussy and one in her arse. Well, I was fascinated….Why would someone do that? What did it feel like? Why would a man want to put it there? What did she have to gain? What was cumming? I wasn’t interested in the pictures at all but I loved the story. I read it over and over. At the time I didn’t understand why anyone would want something inside them. But I was hooked. I just wanted to know more. My mum was never partial to women’s magazines but whenever I went around to my best friend’s house I would seek them out and see if there were any sex stories/ advice columns.
I have no idea if everyone has this much of an interest. Maybe I’m just a bit weird. But the interest has stayed with me. They say men think about sex every 6 seconds or something. I’m a lot like that. Now, I’m not walking around like a bitch on heat. This isn’t sex addiction, I don’t want to be fucked constantly. I just love learning about sex. Finding out other people’s preferences and kinks. I’m interested in the psychology behind sex. What people find attractive and why. Sexual health and everything surrounding it, and yes I very much enjoy having sex, experimenting and trying all things.
Now for a large portion of my adult life I would say I was sexually repressed. I cannot remember having satisfying sex very often. That’s not to say it was never good. Now when I look at it my partners and I just weren’t very compatible in the bedroom. Mostly they wanted me to be in charge more and at first I was inexperienced and far too insecure to do it. That and also, even now I generally prefer to be submissive. As the years went and my body grew bigger I was made to feel by everyone that my body was disgusting was constantly told to lose weight. So I became ashamed of myself, ashamed of my body, ashamed of my likes and dislikes and ashamed of my interest in sex.
Because unattractive people aren’t allowed to be into fucking, right? I wholeheartedly believed this. Why would my partners want to try new things with someone they found unattractive? I became so disengaged with myself that I would force myself to have passionless sex with them. Were there things he could’ve done? Of course. Were there things I could’ve done? Sure! But we didn’t, neither of us did. Until it was so stale we couldn’t go back.
When I think of how I am now and how I was then, the change is astounding. I used to get dressed and undressed in the bathroom or always with my back to people. It always seemed like too much effort to do what I wanted. For a while it seemed like if I didn’t cum within the allotted time period people gave up. I eventually checked out of sex.
Sometimes when I’m with someone I like now, I catch myself reverting to these old habits. Turning my back when I get undressed, turning the light off, saying things like ‘it doesn’t matter’ when the sex hadn’t been satisfying. But I try not to and I get better as time goes on. I find it much easier to be relaxed and cum with my hook-ups and fuck-buddies than the people I’m attempting to date.
Now instead of trying to hide my over-interest, I embrace it. This is made slightly harder by having HIV. I know when I have these sexual encounters I am undetectable and I cannot transmit, I know I’m not putting anyone at risk. Unfortunately most people do not know that. People are generally woefully uneducated about it.
I have a penchant for being with bisexual men. It’s just one of my kinks. I had always had an interest in Bi-sexual men however this did intensify once I was diagnosed. The gay community is generally more aware and more educated about HIV. The straight community (even throughout the different sex scenes) are not. Being with a bisexual man not only caters to a kink of mine but I suppose I feel like they would be more educated and therefore less judgemental if it developed into a relationship and I chose to tell them about me.
Throughout the next few posts I hope to describe my relationships with the men in my life. Whether they were casual encounters or more long term things.