If you happen to come across me online and chat to me about my sexual preferences I would say I don’t like vanilla. Its not what I’m about. If I have a sexual encounter and its vanilla I immediately put it to the back of my mind and generally have little interest in seeing that person again.

But what exactly is vanilla? Most would describe it as sex without kink maybe conventional or boring. That’s been my use of the word anyway. Others would say vanilla sex can be just as good and being vanilla doesn’t make you boring. I’ve been thinking a lot about it the past few days because I did something bad, I took a trip to ex-ville.

D and I had a very difficult, long  and drawn out break up I had not seen him for months. I knew that D was not ‘over’ me yet but I was in D’s city for some work and I wanted to meet up with him for a drink and hopefully to hook up. I also wanted to see him to see if he was well, we went through a lot together after all. Another reason I gave myself was that I was bored of vanilla encounters. I wanted something, dirty, kinky and fun.

Getting in touch with D was probably one of the more selfish moments in my life. I manipulated the situation because I knew if I presented him with the offer of meeting up he wouldn’t be able to turn it down, because I know him. Even though I clearly stated that it would just be for the night and it was for him to decide if he wanted to come. I knew he would be hurt the next day as he would’ve seen it as a challenge to win me back even though I had stated otherwise. I also predicted the aftermath of the encounter perfectly. D is predictable if anything.

We met for a drink and had an awkward conversation. He had started seeing someone but didn’t want to talk about it. He asked me a lot of questions about what I’d been doing sexually. I didn’t answer the majority of them, he didn’t want to hear the answers really. He suggested buying some booze and going to my hotel. Which we did and as soon as we were alone things felt more comfortable. We’d never really gone out or socialised much in our relationship, we were far too wrapped up in each other for that!  We had a fun night of fucking, this is the only ‘ex’ sex I’ve ever had before and I loved it. It was so much fun to be with someone who knows what you like and knows what you want and how far to go. We did all of our favourite things that we both missed from our relationship. It was by no means the kinkiest thing I had done recently but it was the most fun and overall pleasurable.

As much as I enjoy casual sex I have been longing for something more, more of an overall connection. When I’ve been trying to date all I have come up against is rejection which has been very hard to deal with. I’ve been dubbing the encounters that I’ve been having as vanilla, when most of them were not vanilla at all, they were just boring. Even though I had a shared sexual interest with the man, there was no connection, leading to a boring encounter.

I hope that I can meet someone like D. I wouldn’t accept D back into my life as a partner because I was the worst version of myself around him as was he around me. But I long for the connection we had. I long for someone who knows about the HIV and it doesn’t matter to them that they just accept that its a part of me and I can have the type of sex I want without the HIV playing a part of it.

I like kink, but the best part of being kinky was having someone to share that with. When I have these interesting and kinky encounters with people I don’t know very well they’re exciting and I get a lot of pleasure from them but I’d rather be doing it with a long term partner, or have a partner with me to share in the experience.

So in the future, in a long term partner I think I am looking for good vanilla. The high quality, posh Cart D’Or stuff with real vanilla seeds. That’s the stuff I want to be sharing with my partner everyday. But, because its me I’m going to need someone who likes sprinkles sometimes, some hot fudge sauce occasionally and maybe a scoop of strawberry every now and again.




Author: pozwoman

Just your average HIV positive woman blogging about her life.

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