I’ve avoided writing about this man. I’ve avoided it because I wanted more than what he was offering. I still wanted the story of me and the bi guy to go on. Part of me writing this is accepting that it won’t. What I have with him now, is all I’ll ever have with him. It’s not bad, but it’s not what I started to want.
I met the Bi guy on Grindr. My usage of this app is pretty much for hiv support now. My rules are I’m up front about being a woman, I never message anyone first, then if anyone is interested in chatting about hiv or anything else they message and I’ll reply. Things started with the Bi guy the same as they do with any other guy on Grindr Generally I’m strictly business, but then we got talking about bi mmf threesomes we shared experiences, a few pictures, then I said I’ll be in touch if I fancied arranging something. These chats mostly turn into nothing. This particular guy was young, hot, very fit and generally nice so I figured he wouldn’t be that into me and that he just liked the idea of a bi mmf. He told me in one of our first conversations that he was generally more into guys but would still consider himself Bisexual.
Bi guy is a smoulderingly sexy man, who doesn’t really know just how sexy he is…..which makes him even more sexy! He has to me an almost perfect body. An amazing bum and pretty eyes. When I was with him I just wanted to be touching him.
We got chatting and found out we did a similar degree at the same uni, we had similar interests and it seemed were both attracted to each other. I started to like him. He said he wanted to figure out some activities we could do together if we got on. This was right around the time my grandma passed away, making my emotions heightened. Deep down I still felt he just wanted a mmf experience, so tried to not care about him like that.
Then the Bi guy started to say that he wanted to take me out on a proper date. Not just meet up for sex. He liked me and we should hang out. I got a bit excited, so I took the Bi guy out of the ‘Just going to sleep with’ box and put him into the ‘potential dating’ box. I think I moved him because we had a conversation about bi dating and he said he would totally date a woman (even though he said he was more into men) if he ‘met the right girl’. then I realised I wanted it. I let my imagination get away from me, could I be that girl?
We finally met one night for a very late drink. We met at midnight; I was already a bit drunk from a works night out. We drank and chatted and got on really well until about 3am. At the end of the night we were kissing, touching and then, making out outside the bar. Considering how my meet ups usually go I found it so deliciously sexy just kissing, feeling him pressing against me.
We met up again a few weeks later. Again, we talked, joked and generally had a good time. This time I invited him back and he came home with me. He previously told me that he’d not been with a woman for over a year, even then it was just a one night stand thing. He was nervous. I found it adorable. We had obviously talked about sexual preferences and he said he was more dominant in the bedroom, which suited me perfectly. However that night he wasn’t, I held back and was waiting for him to take control which ended up with things not really following a good rhythm. He asked me if I was ok, not that sexy but very sweet. I think he felt like he needed to be more delicate with me than he would be with a man. Overall the sex was good, there was definitely potential, we were discovering what each other liked and there were flashes of a more dominant man. The next morning he had a bit more confidence and held me in place while he fucked me from behind. He looked very sexy in that position. I thought after a few encounters when he was more comfortable with me we’d find a good rhythm.
The thing I liked the most that night was right after the sex. He pulled me up to him and cuddled me. We talked about all sorts. We were talking about travel; he asked me if I’d ever been to Paris, I said no, neither had he. My silly imagination fell asleep to thoughts of Bi guy and I strolling around Paris, in the snow, maybe Christmas time……Silly imagination. I let him stay over, I don’t usually let people actually sleep with me. I find it hard to relax and feel like its more intimate than sex.
After that I heard less and less from Bi guy. He didn’t ghost me or anything, I still received snap chats from him, but conversations stayed strictly friendly. I used to jump every time I got a message to see if it was from him. I had to physically stop myself from messaging him daily. I couldn’t, to me there was just so much potential. Bi guy had turned into a full blown crush. Every time I suggested meeting up he either didn’t reply or he was busy. I felt such rejection. Had his feelings changed after spending the night with me? Was I just reading into something that was never there? When he eventually asked me out again he made it clear he just wanted to meet for drinks.
He said he was tired but really wanted to meet up because it’d been ages since we’d seen each other, it made me happy for him to say that but I figured sex was off the table. However we went back to his, I thought it was to hang out with his housemates but then we went to his room and he immediately got naked. I was confused. The sex didn’t go anywhere, he was distracted (by work he said) and after a bit said ‘come here and cuddle’ I stayed the night, and had to do the walk of shame in the morning. I felt awkward about it all. But not awkward enough to be put off mind, remember I was in full blow crush mode now.
I’ve spent too much time thinking about and over analysing Bi guy. Part of me has decided that he’s just not into me. Part of me wants him to say he’s just more into men because that’s an easier rejection to face then a personal one.
Part of me thinks that he does like me but I come with too much baggage. He lives a single man’s lifestyle, I imagine that he thinks that by dating me he’d have to give up this lifestyle. I’m a single mum with an ex-husband. Who is honestly too broke to travel, or go out a lot, something that he loves doing. That’s too much to handle even before the whole HIV thing.
I didn’t know how to bring up my HIV with the Bi guy. I know one of the reasons that Bi guy split up with his ex was because he cheated on him and gave him an STD. I think if I told him now he might feel betrayed because of associations with his ex. If that happens there’s nothing I can do, we’ve come too far now.
Since our last meeting he’s text me and sent me videos, all fun friendly things. His friends think it’s hilarious I’m a girl and a fuck buddy (at least I think that’s how I’d be described to them) I generally feel stupid for still having feelings for someone who obviously doesn’t want me in that way. He once sent me a snap chat of him and his friend on a night out that said ‘We love you to!’ I just stared at it for a while and sighed internally ‘if only that were true!’
I’m sure I’ll move on. Someone once told me that you never really move on from someone until you find someone else to be interested in. I think there is some truth in that. I guess I’ll be daydreaming about Paris until I have someone else to day dream about.
Later that night……..
After writing all of the above my plans for the evening were to have a new young bi guy over for some fun. Original Bi guy and I were messaging. When I told him my plans he was suddenly very interested again, asking lots of questions.
At least I know what he’s interested in now. Exactly what I thought at the start of all this! Part of me wishes he’d never messaged me and I wouldn’t have wasted nearly 4 months pining over him. Another part of me is glad I met him, he made me realise I was finally ready to date someone. I want to be close with someone again and I’m excited to find someone new.
~If you have any questions about this post or any post I’ve written please don’t hesitate to comment and ask.