This weekend was quite a big one for me. For the first time I was the lead in delivering a peer mentoring training session in another city. It was my daughters birthday and I didn’t see her on it. I also met up with both the gay man and the (not so) bi guy….with mixed results. I also had an amazing Thai dish that the main ingredient was a vegetable called morning glory, it wouldn’t be my only encounter with morning glory that weekend!
Firstly in regards to my daughters birthday. I chose to do the work out of town because A) I desperately need the money. I will soon have 6 weeks empty from work and earning no money with lots of legal finances to pay, I’m in no position to turn down work. B) The ex and I were having issues around our daughters birthday. He wanted to arrange the party, I wanted to attend. This created unrest between us and when I got asked to work I figured by taking myself out of the equation it would cause less arguments. All this generally didn’t sit well, we are still having big communication issues.
Anyway, my first night I met up with the gay man. We haven’t been speaking as much recently, I’ve been a bit sad about it but I understand that we’re in very different places in life. However we had a really fun night drinking and dancing. He stayed with me in the hotel we were chatting and decided to have sex. Having sex with him is different than with other men. It’s more intimate. I think I allow myself to be more intimate with him because I know what our relationship is, I’m confident in our relationship status, we are friends first and foremost and if the occasion allows it we enjoy some sex. I liked it because it felt natural, nothing felt rushed and it was fun. Even though it’s been nearly a year since we’ve had any sexual contact and it was the first time since telling him about my diagnosis, thankfully nothing really had changed. He was still very skilful at pleasuring me and I still loved the moans he made while I was pleasuring him. He’s becoming more vers with men and that showed in his sexual performance. Overall a great experience and we’ve been chatting more afterwards as well.
In contrast the next night I chose to make a bad decision. I’d been chatting about having a night out with the (not so) bi guy for some time. He knew I was going to be in the city alone and we decided we’d go out. Now I didn’t believe this would actually happen, the bi guy doesn’t tend to make solid plans with me. So until he said he had arrived in the city I didn’t believe him. We went out with my co-trainer who is a gay man so we ended up going to the gay bars. I’ve said before how sexy the (not so) bi guy is and all night he was approached by men chatting to him and asking him if he was straight. He’d reply that he’s gay. (Not so) Bi guy has corrected me before when I’ve referred to him as gay in conversation saying “I’m bisexual”. It’s seems he, like most of the other bisexual men I’ve met, decides on what to refer to himself as depending on the company around him. It was like a little stab each time he said it, like he didn’t want anyone to think he was with me or associated with me in that way. He is a little shy around new people and was so with my colleague but I predictably found it adorable! We had a fun night out anyway. Drinking and dancing, telling stories and laughing. Upon our return to the hotel we got in bed and chatted, I was uncomfortable because I wanted to fool around, but it was off the table. I thought that because I didn’t really think about him that way anymore it wouldn’t bother me sharing a bed with him. Turns out it did. It was like torture. Sleeping and cuddling (yes we mutually decided to cuddle) with someone you’re so attracted to is hard. It’s hard when you wake up and in his sleep while spooning you his hand has fallen on and is now holding your boob. It’s even harder when you can feel his morning glory pressing against your lower back. You’re lay awake thinking “is this a move, is he doing this on purpose…..?”. Then he rolls over and starts snoring and you know without a shadow of a doubt it all was an accident as he is clearly fast asleep.
I loved his big strong arms around me and the way he smelled and this is why I know it can’t happen again. The next day I was back to 8 months ago, thinking “Why doesn’t he want me!?!” When I told my co-worker my thoughts he just chuckled and said “because he’s gay love”.
I like the (not so) Bi guy a lot. We can be friends but we can’t be friends with benefits. I’m not going to put myself into the situation where I’m left longing like that again. But I will happily put myself in the same situation with the gay man again as so far it only seems to make us closer.
A busy weekend which marked the middle of 12 days straight working without a break. The next week I was left exhausted both physically and emotionally. I’m very much looking forward to my next weekend working away which won’t be as emotionally trying!
Sexy (not so) Bi guy begone from my thoughts!!