Emotionally, I’ve had a mixed weekend. I’ve felt very alone and have been pining for a connection with someone.
I don’t usually play the blame game concerning HIV and my ex boyfriend but this weekend thoughts of “how could he do that to me” have gone around and round. He left me with several medical and personal issues that I have to deal with daily. I’ve been cursing my status, my weight, my depression, my high sex drive. Basically everything, everything that makes up me. I’ve had a lot of anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t usually effect me much overall so I’ve been searching my mind for reasons why I’m feeling like that.
I was in church for a friends baby’s christening. I’ve never been a member of a church but from my point of view I would call this one modern. It’s casual, they’re happy for children to run around and play during songs, they have modern themes and references in their preaching etc. I like singing in public and rarely got the opportunity to do so, so I was singing along to the new modern songs (no ‘all things bright and beautiful’ there!) and generally having a good time.
But me being me I spotted an attractive young man sat on the opposite side of the church, alone, singing and then praying. My mind wondered, as it does. But this time not to all the naughty places it usually does but to what it would be like to spend time with this man, talking to him, getting to know him, cuddling up to him. It’s been a reoccurring theme with me this week since Bi Guy.
I masturbated the other day with no porn, no filthy scenarios played out in my head but instead thinking about making love to someone, have them over me in missionary position (one I never really do much because of its intimacy) having them looking at my face as they cum and shudder above me. Feeling a proper connection with someone is something I’ve shied away from feeling in my sexual encounters. Because my track record has shown me that when you start to connect, you start to get feelings and that’s when I get hurt, right? I mean its happened every other time I’ve had feelings for someone. My brain is protecting my heart based on the lessons I’ve learnt from past relationships, because when I connect I can’t control my emotions as much.
This all bubbled to the surface in church after the children had left to go and play. It was during one of the worship songs my heart beat increased and I started to cry, overwhelmed with emotion. My friend tried to explain that through my singing and worship, God was speaking back to me. When I don’t believe in any God I find that a hard concept to accept, but if not that then what? What made me react like that?
I think it was singing about love, unchanging, no matter what happens, love. Something that I’m yearning to receive from a partner. I experience love everyday, through my daughter, my friends and family. But I want that different kind of love a love shared in mutual attraction and from wanting them to be present in my life and me in theirs, always. Love where I can be open, share things about myself and have them still be there.
So far I haven’t been able to share my status and interest in sex with anyone and have them want a relationship with me. I stand by that I’ve never had a upfront negative response to me sharing my status. But neither have I had acceptance into a new relationship. Now I know that healthy relationships take time and it’s very possible that I haven’t met anyone simply because I’ve not met anyone compatible. 18 months is not that long being single. But will this fear ever go? The fear that if I reveal all of myself to someone they will simply run away? The difference between me now and me 3 years ago is that 3 years ago, before I met my ex boyfriend I was willing to change myself and hide bits of myself to suit someone else, because I needed someone else to function properly, to not be lonely. Whereas now I’m not willing to, I want someone to take me as I am. But it seems impossible, it seems like an impossible task when every man I meet/ talk to manages to mention their dicks or how horny they’ve been within the first hour of conversation. Sorry, I didn’t mean this to turn into a man bashing post!
Anyway I digress, the attractive man left as soon as the service finished and I doubt I’ll see him again. But I must say it was nice to see a man who was an obvious gym bunny (he had all the muscles!) interested and passionate about something other than himself. I’m trying not to over generalise, of course people who love the gym have other interests and are not all self absorbed but unfortunately not many I’ve met to or what is portrayed in the media.
I’ve had a hard week both physically and mentally. I’m hoping for a brighter week, in all areas, next week.