The Oxford Living Dictionary defines fodder animal feed such as straw, the second definition is this:  1.1 A person or thing regarded only as material for a specific use.

I’m letting myself be used as fodder. I have I think in the past I’ve even encouraged it with some.

I talk to some men, on various messaging apps, on almost a daily basis, that I don’t really have any other connection to than sex. Either the sex we’re currently having or the sex that we once engaged in. But with a few its gone beyond that and the conversations go far beyond sex. We talk about all sorts. I tell them about my life, when things are going well and when they’re not going well you know, like friends do.

But these people are not friends.

I recently saw one of them ‘irl’. This is someone that I’ve been chatting to for over a year. I got talking to him very soon after me and the ex split. I was generally an emotional wreck back then because of my complete non-coping with work/break-up/single-mum-hood. I ignored that he was married and met him for sex. I won’t meet married or attached people now, I’m quite a stickler for that actually, I find it odd that I even did it in the first place, but I’m getting off topic now. Anyway I saw him in real life with his kids and wife at a big open event in our city. I knew that we wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation, we’d both chatted about our weekend plans and discovered that we were going to the same thing. He looked pretty much the same as I remember. I wanted to talk to him but I didn’t, I definitely don’t want to be a part in anyone’s family drama. But seeing him again made me think about the relationships and attachments  I form with people more closely.

I’ve been let down by people I thought were friends recently. Its left me questioning myself and my choices. I often get told (as I’m sure most people who have good friends) by friends and work colleagues that I’m a wonderful person, a catch some people say. But when it comes down to it, the conversations I have with men always come to the same conclusions. I’m good enough to have sex with or hang with out one on one, inside the house. But I’m not good enough to be seen out in public with, go on a date with or meet their friends etc. I remember there was a Sex in the City episode about it once.

I have some intelligence about me, I know that it says more about their faults than mine that they chose to put me in that box. But that doesn’t change how much it actually hurts. When you’ve had both long term exes tell you in one way or another that they’re ashamed to be seen with you it makes me really wonder why I keep on investing a whole lot more emotion into these relationships than they do.

I’m reminded of my past long term relationships where a lot of problems stemmed from me putting in a lot of effort in the start and being disappointed when that effort was not reciprocated. I thought I was out of that habit, but I’ve continued to do it, but on a more micro scale. Turns out old habits do indeed die hard!

I’ve tried to make a change, I told married guy I wan’t going to be chatting to him anymore, as it was a damaging relationship to me. He said he sees me as a friend, I told him he wasn’t we don’t do anything friends do and he said I had a point. I’ve been chatting to him about everything for over a year. We know a lot about each other on a personal and emotional level, yet he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me his name. Something I used to joke about and now I just find offensive. Please don’t misunderstand this, I have not at all fallen for a married man. I was relying on his company in the form of messaging for companionship.

That’s the main reason I talk to these people, companionship. I have lots of friends, but the majority have partners and children and full time jobs, so when I’m alone in the day because I’ve got no work, or alone in the evening when my daughters in bed, I turn to these men, to make the world seem like a less lonely place. I didn’t think it was doing me any harm, but I’m guilty or relying on them. If i’m not chatting to someone in the evening I tend to get very down. I feel like my time has been wasted.

I decided to cool it with messaging people with both sex and non sex friends with some mixed results. Some I’ve barely spoken to, me not sending out that first conversation starter has effectively ended all conversation between us. Some I’ve spoken to about the same amount but I feel a lot more secure in our relationship now because I’ve discovered that if I do leave it, they will get in touch and that’s a good feeling! I did a similar thing with the friends I used to have from my married days. A few years ago I felt like I was the only one trying to make plans, so I stopped sending that first message. Now I’m just grateful I had made some wonderful friends who are still there and want be around me.

I do feel a sense of loss, I actually miss talking to these people. I also feel frustrated at some (the ones who aren’t married) as to why they’re not contacting me, or if they’re missing me at all, but I guess that’s why I’m doing it, I don’t want to be fodder. Forming these online relationships with people where I have no idea if I mean anything more to them than a distraction is just something I can’t deal with anymore.

I’ve been sat writing this (on and off with other browsing) for just over 2 hours and I’ve not received a single message in that time, not since this afternoon actually! Old me would be sad and searching for someone to chat to by now. The new me won’t be bothered…..current me is somewhere in the middle.


Author: pozwoman

Just your average HIV positive woman blogging about her life.

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