I know that this blog is now not completely anonymous, its linked to my public twitter and I sort of knew people I knew would read it. Recently its made me question whether I want to continue writing openly like I do about my personal life, feelings and the sex that I have. I’ve been wondering if I should delete it, or move the content to an different anonymous name. Then I thought fuck it, writing this helps me and the positive feedback I get from it informing and helping others is all the encouragement I need to carry on.

Anyway to the theme of this post. Recently I told a friend of mine that I need to stop hanging out with gay men as I fear its hurting my love life. However if I stop hanging out with gay man it would severely hurt my social life. Since my split from D I’ve noticed that I have a small amount of friends. I love my friends and my closest ones are my family and what keep me going day to day. However they are also mostly mums and married or attached. I don’t have a female friend locally who is single and no one who is a single mum. I find it hard to find someone to talk to who I can relate to.

The only people who have offered me their friendship since my  divorce are gay men and to those I have become friends with they have given me something I desperately needed, friends who wanted to know me and me alone, which I was never sure of before with my husband. I’m very grateful for them. Through my volunteering work and online I’ve met a lot of people, some who I’ve become friends with but not many. My friendship circle before my ex-husband and I split up was almost exclusively friends we had together, with whom I’m mostly not in touch with anymore. The thing is you know who gay men tend to hang out with, more gay men. The more I expand my social circle the more gay men I meet. I don’t expect every interaction I have to be a way to meet a eligible men, but my opportunities are generally thin on the ground and not getting any thicker!

When I go out and am in LGBT+ friendly spaces I generally feel like an outsider, I went to a queer party recently and felt very un-welcomed by the people around me. When I’m in “straight” spaces I don’t feel I fit in, like I have to hide a big part of me and my interests. Like I’m not gay enough for the gay spaces but not straight enough for the straight. I wish that the two sides of my life could merge a bit more.

This is all creating a bit of unrest within me. Now I’ve made it no secret on here that I’m generally more attracted to Bi men, if I’m in a room full of people more often than not I’ll annoyingly find the only gay man and fancy him and plan our imaginary life together before I realise that he’s gay. I’m starting to think this attraction is more than just a product of circumstances.  I fancy gay men because they are unattainable because if they are unattainable from the start then I can never be properly hurt by them. Sure it sucks pining over someone who will never want you, but that’s easier to deal with than someone not wanting you.

I don’t want to limit myself and not put myself out there to make friends or seek romance because I’m scared of being hurt again. But its hard to know where to begin. Maybe I should join a club of some kind. I work away from home so often now and when I’m not working away, I have my daughter. I feel I need to be more proactive and make better plans, get out of my comfort zone.

You know when people say “I have plans with the girls tonight” I want that, I want lots of fun plans with the girls.


Author: pozwoman

Just your average HIV positive woman blogging about her life.

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