Finding my Motivation

7ish weeks ago I wrote a post about hunger. This was an emotional response to some bad news about my weight. This prompted a change in me, and I’m not really sure why. Being told I should lose weight is nothing new to me, I’ve had lots of people tell me that over the years. I don’t quite understand why this time, over all the other hundreds (or probably closer to thousands) of times I’d vowed to myself that I’d start a diet and lose my excess weight I have managed to stick to it.

So far I’ve lost 1stone 6lbs, or 20lbs, or 9kgs….whichever you understand the most.

I am extremely proud of this. I have never in all my life been able to stick to any sort of weight loss routine be it healthy or extreme crash diet. Almost all routines were broken within a few days.

I read a lot if body positivity stuff and I almost feel a bit ashamed of how proud I am. They tell me to love myself at any weight, and I do, to an extent. But part of me knows I’d been happier with myself at a lower weight.

And I am proud. I feel like my best self, more than ever before. And it’s been easier than I expected.

I can share no wisdom on why I have managed to stick to a routine this time. All I’m doing is eating less and moving more. Exactly what people have been telling me to do since I was 15 years old, but this time I can. I can do it. I have gone “off track” I have eaten too much or the wrong thing on several occasions. What’s different is that I have moved on, if I’ve eaten badly I haven’t shamed myself, I haven’t told myself I’m a failure and packed in the whole thing. I’ve just drawn a line under it and carried on.

I think it’s something to do with my positive self talk. I no longer have that horrible voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough. I have a voice telling me I’m doing a great job. Every time I step on the scales and I’m another lb down, I smile and high five myself in the mirror.

But I’ve hit a bit of a rut. This week is the first week in 7 that I’ve not lost. I don’t know how long this will last. I hope tomorrow I’ll regain the strength to limit and monitor my food intake. I was very scared at first. I didn’t tell anyone, I was too frightened to set myself targets. Now I have all my weight ins from the clinic since 2016 to see what weight I was at different times. I’ve set some targets to aspire to. I’m excited and hopeful about becoming fitter and loosing weight for the first time ever, by my own efforts and not by HIV ravaging my gut.

Contracting HIV and loosing around 6 stone in a few months was certainly easier, it required no effort from me and I was happy with the results. I’m hoping this time I will lose at least a good portion of that slowly and healthily.

I’m getting very excited to fit into the clothes I bought a couple of years ago but grew out of very quickly. I can’t wait for my next mirror self five.


Author: pozwoman

Just your average HIV positive woman blogging about her life.

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