I’m hungry. Its 13.09 and I haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch. At first this was not intentional, it was a product of a child refusing to get dressed and an early appointment I needed to attend. But now its very much intentional.
My appointment was my 6 monthly check up. When taking my weight I noticed that it has risen to what it was before I was sick. I swore to myself that I would never be back at this weight, and the disappointment in myself washed over me. Followed by the shame and the guilt of having letting the me from three years ago down, that and it may be effecting my blood pressure now.
3 years ago me was at a healthy weight. The HIV had ravaged my gut and caused a dramatic weight loss. I was a size 12 and secretly, I loved the way I looked. But I didn’t really let myself love it because of how I got there. Also because I was still seen by some as fat I didn’t appreciate the massive change my body went through.
Now my body seems like it is more fat than anything else.
I know that a successful healthy lifestyle doesn’t involve being to anxious to eat until the hunger overtakes and you eat shrouded by shame at being a failure for letting the food pass your lips. But I don’t know how else to be.
Because that’s what it feels like when you have a problem controlling your intake of food. Every bite comes with guilt and shame. So much so that it starts to not matter what that bite is of. If its a bite of a healthy refreshing apple or a fattening, salty packet of crisps, the way it feels to eat them becomes the same. The only difference being that if you eat the fat and the sugar and the salt afterwards you feel comforted for a while, where with the healthier food, you still feel hungry. But the shame is there regardless.
I don’t think people who don’t have issues with food can quite understand how it feels to get that anxiety every time food is around, which in case you haven’t noticed, is all the time. When I’m around food I get the same carousel of negative thoughts, if I take a second biscuit at this meeting will people be judging me? Everyone else has eaten more than me so its OK for me to eat now. If I eat at home no one is going to know what I eat so its safer.
When I know I don’t have something comforting to eat at home I panic, I get anxious and can’t think straight. This doesn’t stop until food has been bought or eaten.
I was upset by the weight gain for letting myself down. I no longer believe that my weight is a measure of my self worth. I know there is much more to me than that. I know that my weight does not hinder my sex life, there will always be people who don’t find fat people sexually attractive, but everyone has preferences including myself, so it doesn’t bother me. I don’t want my weight to have negative impacts on my health that influences my quality of life.
I feel heavy. I feel weighed down burdened by my fat. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to food. Nothing brings me more comfort and nothing brings me more shame. I want to be able to replace my hunger with something else.